Q: I live in (another place). I know your program won't help me much but I was wondering if you knew of similar programs where I live.
A: There are no other programs anywhere using our intervention model. We recommend you contact a women's shelter or search under "social service agencies" in your local yellow pages. Ask whatever agency you call if they can help you find a "Duluth Model" counseling program iny our area.
Q: I'm in an abusive relationship. I've been to counseling. It hasn't helped.
A: Was the counseling with a standard marriage and family therapist or counselor? Please try again. This time though, seek counseling with a domestic violence victim advocate. To find the right counselor specializing in this issue I encourage you to contact a women's shelter or search under "social service agencies" in your local yellow pages.
Q: I am in an abusive situation and I need help. It's a terrible situation to be in. I'm a smart person. I don't know why I stay and I want to figure it out.
A: You are not alone. The feelings you are writing to me about are shared by millions of women in similar situations. I want to encourage you to contact a local victim advocate in your area. They specialize in counseling with women in your situation, ie helping you understand your feelings and offer additional choices and options for you to consider.
Q: Why do the victims stay?
A: They probably stay because they are afraid to leave. Afraid they will be stalked, harassed, alone, financially broke, homeless, scorned by family or friends, etc.
Q: What motivates spouses to abuse each other?
A: I believe it is a struggle for power and control. A struggle to determine who gets their way. Usually won by the man since he is typically stronger physically.
Q: Can you send me more information?
A: Pretty much anything I have available to send I've included on this website. I typically don't respond to email requests for more general information. I always respond to requests for information about contracting with me to provide paid services such as consulting or conducting a seminar. I also will always respond to criminal justice officials or employees seeking advice or suggestions in establishing effective response to domestic violence for their community.
Q: May I copy information from this website to use in a college paper, article, etc?
A: Yes, if you reference my website address as the source.
Q: I conduct a batterers program too. I would like to know more about your program. What works? What doesn't work?
A: I believe it is truly necessary to challenge a batterer in a very NON shaming fashion. Here's why:
1. Violence=controlling behavior. (Ghandi, "to impose your will upon another")
2. Controlling behavior is preceded by "perceived" thoughts of a need to control, in conjunction with distorted beliefs justifying the entitlement to control by shifting blame to the victim.
3. The perceived need to control is preceded by feeling out of control.
4. Feeling out of control=FEAR.
5. FEAR is anticipation or expectation of PAIN.
Thus, FEAR and PAIN are behind all abusive behavior.
To conduct effective therapeutic intervention with a batterer we must take into consideration, typically we are dealing with:
1. Behavioral tactics intended (at some level) to control how the other person thinks, feels, or acts.
2. A person who is afraid and hurting.
3. A person who has been trained by society to deal with his fear and insecurity by demonstrating anger and controlling behavior tactics.
4. A human being who, given an opportunity and educated with the tools to do so, would rather choose to relate to people he or she loves in a kind, loving and caring manner. Nobody wants the people they love to be afraid of them.
Challenging in a NON shaming manner while maintaining accountability, I believe is the key to effective intervention.
The most important element of this work is to challenge the distorted beliefs of "Blame Shifting". Shifting blame is an "unconscious", "habit level", psychological strategy to avoid accountability. We see ourselves as victims. I use a cognitive affirmation, which is repeated continuously IN EVERY SESSION.
"There is nothing another person can say or do that can make me say or do something my conscience knows is wrong!"
This simple affirmation repeated over and over is a direct confrontation of blame shifting denial.
Our program is actually based on a unique intervention approach developed by our founder, Terry A. Moore, which he calls Cognitive Accountability Training (CAT). To learn more specifics about the CAT Model visit
www.CognitiveAccountability.com.
